| Hello World |
[Thursday
November 13th, 2008
6:19pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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I'm all grown up. A few more weeks and I'll be 18. Seems like yesterday I was only 7. Growing up is very weird. I don't feel ready. I wish I could keep my youth. I've made friends, I've lost friends. I'm pretty happy where I am though. Consider this a new start. I'll right more if I have time. Juggling two children and school can be difficult at times. It makes me never ever want kids.
*Sigh*
Life is so fast.
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| My Life As A Senior. . . |
[Saturday
August 2nd, 2008
7:43pm] |
I pretty much love it!
I have open classes. . .
No more band and their shit! (I still love the Colemans and Mr. Scott)
But, some of the members kill me. They have become so rude. No respect for anyone what so-ever. I'm tired of being called a quitter. I had other things I had to do. Instead of saying, "Hey Dezi!" They say, "QUITTER!" Shut the fuck up!
I work after school. Have fun during the weekends.
And I'm living life to the fullest. :D
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| Update On Life |
[Sunday
March 16th, 2008
8:51pm] |
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Hmm. Lets see. My sister had her baby on friday. His name is Isaiah Mekhi Dixon. . .I quit band for next year. I lost all my friends. Hmmmmm. I can't think of anything else. Life is getting better. Yay.
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[Sunday
June 10th, 2007
7:29pm] |
Lately. . .Hum. . .Bad things have been happening. But I don't know.
Someone tried to brake into muh houes and we called the cops. . .then I can't find me a job anywhere. . .There isn't one person I can say is my bestfriend and not be lying. (Sorry, I just can't. Things change, people change. maybe it will change again.) There is drama left and right. There is jealsousy! Everywhere! But. . .Things don't phase me as much as they used to. I deal with things a little better. I am not as much as spoiled brat. I have realized that being number one on your friends top people is nice. . .but the world won't come to a crashing end if you are not. . .(But it feels like it! xp) I am going throught another change. . .
I don't like changes. . .but. . .well you know I do.
I will write more later. . .
Later I realized That Leah really is muh best friend. . .
:( I was just angry and in a selfish mood earlier.
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| And Here Come The Tears. . . |
[Tuesday
June 5th, 2007
7:59pm] |
*Sigh* Rascism bothers me. It bothers me alot. I don't judge people on the color of their skin, but who they are on the inside. My heart has just been broken into tiny sharp bits.
A person does not have a choice of their color of skin at birth. And even if they could, which one is the right one?
It hurts to love something you can't have, but it hurts even more to love something you can't have because the color of the outside of ones body.
My eyes have just been opened. This world is a piece of shit and it needs to burn. This is a bad place.
And you wonder why I fucking hate people.
I feel sorry for people that judge things only from the outside apperance.
God, please help them.
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[Friday
May 25th, 2007
11:57pm] |
So. . .I didn't make leadership, but I DID make 4th band. :)
This week has been so weird.
I got invited to my very 1st bestfriend's birthday party. I got a new cell. Its super sexy. . .My best friend is now a grad. *Tear*
and. . .life is on a yo-yo kinda track. . .
I have my days. . .*LIKE TONIGHT*
and I have good ones.
Rachel and Nick just left my house. We stood out at that lil park thing and talked for about an hour. They had to come cheer me up. (They did)
This summer better rock. -_-
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| I have lost. |
[Thursday
May 10th, 2007
10:27pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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I lost the fight. Yet, I don't feel so bad about it. Things won't change dramtically, but slowly things will start to do down hill. Only God knows what will happen from here. But all I know is life isn't fair. But maybe thats a good thing. Thank you for opening my eyes.
The way people adapt to their surroundings still amazes me. We are just little animals that have corrupted this earth. *Shakes head* Animals. I can't wait to do something with my life. Something cool. Something by myself without people trying to bring me down. I wish sometimes I could get into peoples head. To connect the right plugs that don't work. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I wish people were more like me. . .or at least could get me.
I'm a selfish person, yes. I'm a big old baby, yes. But. . .I'm good at figuring things out. . .and I've got you. . .
ANYWAYS
I've been thinking about college lately. Vandy maybe. . . MTSU. . .more likely.
I wanna major in political sciences. :) Yay. I'm going to intern this summer at a local law firm! I'm excited! I've got my whole life planned out. But. . .it ends pretty quickly. . .So. . .maybe its not my WHOLE life.
I wanna do something unlike my family.
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| Lord. . .Not Again! |
[Monday
May 7th, 2007
5:38pm] |
Man! I just got out of this! Why do I have to go through it again? I'm tired of it! Lets just say "Her." Well. . .most of mt buddies go to "her" house. Like I care. Thats cool. I aint stoppin ya! She never invites me to "her" house so why is that "my" fault?
Anyways. . .I'm so tired of everyone acting so childish, including me, these days. Why do a few words turn into a riot?!
For my summer I doubt I'll be doing anything. I never do. People are to busy. I always say, "Oh this summer will be different!" Yeah...right. . .Something always happens or changes. And this year, I have two.
I can't deal with this. One of them is minor and I don't care about those people anymore. . .and one of them is major. But I can't tell until July what it is.
Damnit! And I was doing good. But I guess it's my fault for trying to make things better for me.
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[Saturday
May 5th, 2007
3:42pm] |
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Well, I didn't make the leadership team, but thats cool. There is always the next year, but I don't know if I'll get it then. i noticed that all the low reeds that are currently in band are leadership but me. No one in thrid go into it. I think it will be awful weird if Shane is leading us. . .=o Lord. . .we will be doing circles. He he. And it will also be awful weird if Allison does it. I don't know why. Maybe cuz she is younger than I. :( Oh well. Congrats Morgan. :)
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| My Life Is Like A Bathroom. |
[Tuesday
May 1st, 2007
8:28pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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This is how. . .This is kinda weird. But here we go!
The tub: Where you clense yourself. Lately I have been cleaning myself up a little bit. All the old or nasty things are being sucked down the drain.
The potty: What do you put in there? Sh*t? :) Need I say more? *Cough Old bitchy friends that make me feel bad! Cough*
The mirror: I look in there to reflect an image of myself. It used to be blurry. But I got some windex.
The sink: Where I can wash the blood off my hands? I don't know.
I have been getting better and better and better. I focus on myself and on my future. I have kinda given up on being jealous. I have relized that what goes around comes around and let it all go. : ) Some people just aren't worth getttin mad over and wasting time.
New me. . .
Life is short. Very short, and I wanna live it to the fullest. Even if that means letting go.
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[Saturday
April 21st, 2007
9:05pm] |
I just got of the effing hospital. . .Ewww. I hate doctors and hospitals and things like that. Anyways. I have 3 things at the same time which make me feel like CRaP! I have a cold. . .The first stage of strep. . . .AND URI (Upper Respiratory Infection.) Meaning. . .my nose is runny, I can't swollow anything, I can't breath. . .and. . .I'm weak and dizzy.
Great! I wish someone would get me a mocha. . .
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| Today. . . |
[Wednesday
April 11th, 2007
11:23pm] |
Today. . .I cried for no reason. I remembered the good times. I did a voodoo ritual. I smiled at a bug. I took a nap on my couch. I regreted things in the past. I remebered bad things that made me mad. I listened to music I forgot about. I lied. I ate fast food. I told a secret. I cried again. I looked a pictures that pissed me off. I played my bass. I watched TV. I talked on the phone to Leah. I took 5 different medications. I thought about death. I talked to Hunter. I wished bad upon people. I cried once more. I drank coke. I flipped off my mother when she walked out of the room. I thought about the car I'm going to buy. I thought about how much I hate spring. I thought about how people change. I thought about my father. I fought with my niece. I fought with my sister. I fought with my mother. I thought about how life isn't fair. I asked people stupid things like if I died tomorrow would you cry. I changed my myspace. . .God I hate myspace. I thought about telling my mom what is really wrong with me.
I do this every. . .single. . .damned. . .day. I'm so over this life.
This everyday thing had got to go. My teenage years are dead. I'm sick of it now. Let me grow up or die. This year has pissed me off in so many ways. . .but. . .It has been one of the best so far.
I don't undertand! You see me not sleeping or sleeping to much. . .Not eating or eating to much. . .mood swings all over the place. But yet my mom still won't help me. . .-_- It will go away with time my ass. *Barf* I need something new. . .Something better! Come walk a mile in my shoes. . .tell me how it feels. Confusing. Its like. . .I'm very happy. . .yet very angry and sad all at once?! Dude. . no. I need a break.
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| So. . . |
[Sunday
April 8th, 2007
7:56pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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Yeah. . .I kinda (Finally) Got over the fact that I'm a jealous bitch thats gets hurt and blah blah blah. I just don't care anymore. Everyone that is ever around me is always so happy. Good for them. Thats just not me. It actually makes me worst.
I hate it that I can't express my feelings ever. Words just don't work for me. Its like putting together a desk or table and the words are in a different langauge. The only real time I spell out how I feel is on here. No one else ever has time to listen, and if they do, they don't listen. . .they just kinda nod and tell me I'm rambling on on about things they don't really care about. It doesn't phase me. When they need me one day. . .I won't have time.
I've been having sleeping problems. I can't ever sleep anymore and this effcets my mood. I'm very cranky. . .I can't deal with things.
Just two more years. . .
I'm getting away from here. Going to school. Then law school. . .Then. . .I don't know yet. The end of the world will probably hit before I get to do anything I ever want to do.
Easter. . .its was pretty good this year. For the first time in like 3 or 4 years, I went to church. The whole time I worried that people would judge me for that and look at me kinda weird. They kinda did and it made me feel bad. BUT AT LEAST I LOOKED AWESOME IN MY PRETTY DRESS THAT MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY! I love that dress. Makes me happy! If I were to die today. . .I would want to wear that as my last clothing in this world. Its a strapless tube dress. Its black and white and I love it soooo much!
I went to Hunter's house friday. We just kinda watched movies and ate junk and talked bad about people and how they need to die. It was ok. But. . .I don't know. . .I hate large groups of people and I always will. . .
Allison's and I duet is some tough stuff. Its not all that bad its just kinda fast and VERY jumpy. I'll have it worked out though.
Well, until whenever. . .
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| The Past Few Weeks. |
[Saturday
March 24th, 2007
2:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
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I'm tired of writing about the same old thing. But things still haven't changed. I'm not going to try anymore. Fuck it.
Anyways, my New York trip was one big headache. . .
I couldn't hold my tears back and it was hard trying to make excuses for why I was crying most of the time. "Oh, I'm just home sick" got very old pretty quick. I ended up having a bitch fit in the mornings cuz things just weren't right. Try having to wash up with your hand. Not to pleasant.
Leah and I argued kinda alot. About really stupid things. Maybe I was just around people for to long. Everyone I was around ended up making me want to shot them by the end of that trip.
BUT!!! I made the best of it and tried to compromise to the wishes of my roommates. Something bad/crazy happened at every hotel.
Ok. . .now, life other than the trip. Like I said, I'm tired of writing about this, but my feelings still haven't changed.
I'm tired of trying to make people understand me. Barf. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm pretty happy with myself and I don't need anymore stress from trying to make other people happy with me. I just want to be myself. I don't want to have to act like I like someone when I really don't. If I don't like one person, it doesn't mean I don't like you. You shouldn't have to get mad about minor things like that.
I'm so over this
Yesterday I when to the boro to see my old friend Lindsay. I was really happy to see her! She has changed soooo much! She used to have very long hair. Well, She cut it all off. She has no hair at all now. She is still the same old person. I wish she was still here. I miss her so much. I must say, she was one of my most meaningful friends I have ever had.
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| Dearest Karen (A Very Short Story) Sorta Based On A True Story. |
[Tuesday
March 6th, 2007
8:28pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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A.F.I. |
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"Oh, not another day in that blasted school." Karen said as she reluctantly arose from another night of tossing and turning. She got up, went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth. She didn't have very self respect so she didn't keep good personal hygiene. She walked back to her room and looked for something to wear. Nothing was clean so she smelled the armpits of every shirt and chose the one that smelled the best. She picked the pants that had the least stains.
She walked her self to school with her head down counting the cracks in the sidewalk. She wasn't a very happy person, she didn't laught at things that were funny. She never smiled. Not very many people no the story of the night she lost her trust in all people. One late october night she learned that no one could be trusted. Her best friend of a few years, Lauran, was dating another one of her friends ex-boyfriends. They had all gathered at Lauran's house for a halloween party. Karen was the type of person that didn't like her friends getting hurt. And would always look out for them. She learned that so and so was cheating on so and so and blah blah blah. She blabbed in fear of Laurn getting hurt.
"Lauran! There is something I have to tell you!"
"What?"
"Kevin, he is cheating on you with Paige!"
"Oh my God! Who Told you that?"
"Kevin did!!"
Lauran burst in tears and ran to her room. She came back and confronted Paige. They fought, but Karen thought it seemed kind of suspicious. She left.
Later she found out that Lauran told Kevin to tell Karen that and make her believe it was true. If she told. she wasn't a good friend. Karen was hurt deeply. She thought they were her only best friends. Turns out, they were against her the whole time.
A year past. She hadn't talked to her old friends since that night. She made new friends but never trusted anyone. When she entered highschool she was doing great. She had one best friend, and plenty of close friends.
"Hey Karen! Lets so totally hang friday! Sound cool?"
"Duh!"
Her best friends name was Marie. Marie was very similar to Karen. They had the same friends, they did the same things.
Karen still had a fear of losing her friends. It happened before, it could happen again. She did everything in her will to please everyone she could. She listened to music she really didn't like. She dressed different from what she really liked. And she hung out with people she couldn't stand. She never wanted to make anyone mad.
Marie stopped calling. Karen was afraid Marie lost interest in her. Marie was with a new group people and had pretty much ditched her old friends. Karen once again pretended to like people she didn't like. And this time it was hard because she really wasn't compatible with these people. But anything not lose another friend.
Finally she broke out and and put a stop to pretending.
"F*ck them!"
She thought. She pranced around Marie and stated how she hated Tiffany. The group leader.
"I hate Tiffy! I hate Tiffy! Woot Woot."
"Gosh, Karen. I don't know why you hate her so much! She is like my sister!"
Karen broke in two.
"What did you just say?"
"What, why does it matter you don't like her but I do? Can I not be her friend? Is that it? Well?!"
All Karen could do was walk away feeling numb. The person she Considered her "BFF", didn't feel the same way. It had happened once again.
A year later, Karen became what she is today. A soulless teenager. She is confused, lost, hurting. She can't trust anyone. Not even her self. She is jealous. She is fake.
The next day, Karen Thompson was found dead hang from a rope in her closet. In her right pocket a letter was found reading,
"Dear whoever, trust no one."
THE END
Yes, I know. Very stupid and point less. But I'm very bored and decided to write this to pass time. About 1/3 is the truth and the other 2/3's is just bull crap I made up. when I re-read it, I was like this is soooooo stupid. But it took my a good 30 minutes to type it. Oh well.
I took this at my fathers grave this weekend.
I thought it looked pretty cool.
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| Bless My Soul. . . |
[Saturday
February 10th, 2007
11:38pm] |
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I feel like crap. I have been soooooooo emotional the past few days. I just looked at a blog from about a year ago and cried. Bad memories of the people close to me flashed through my head and I broke down again. I have no one to talk to. I need someone to listen. I have realized something. I am my own best friend. Seriously. I have turned to myself to lean on many of times. I know I would never hurt myself. And I will always be there. I will never lie to myself, and most of all I love myself. I can trust me. I feel lost. I feel crazy. I feel stupid. And yet on the outside I am smiling trying not to make anyone upset and please them. But I am nothing like that on the inside. Nothing. I wish I had my dad here to help me through this crazy stage and to be there watching me grow up and start my own life. I cannot take this anymore. There is something I need. Something that I don't know what it is yet.
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| Life Lately. . . |
[Friday
February 9th, 2007
8:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nervous |
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Life. . . .Hum. Something is wrong. But I don't know what. My emotions have jumped all over the place. Happy, Mad, Ok, Annoyed, Sad, Urg. I have lost interest in the things I used to enjoy. I have lost friends. I have made new ones. I have held back. Its all bottled up now. I have no one to speak to. I am alone. But, I like that. I don't know why. Every day, I come home, put on my music and lock my self in my room. Just to get away.
Something is wrong. I don't believe I am depressed. Just kind of alone. I hated it. Zoloft. It made me feel unreal. Fake. My moods were fake. I had a medicated smile. I wasn't happy. I was fake. Fake.
That word runs through my mind often now. I can finally see through the fake people in my life and unfortunately, I see that the people close to me are fake.
I have no best friends. Just good ones. And sometimes, they sadden me. I cannot please them. I'm sorry.
I think I might be having a nervous brake down.
I think I might need help.
I just feel so weird.
God.
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| Love Is In The Air. . . |
[Sunday
January 28th, 2007
8:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
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So, I made this. . .I was kinda thinking about V-day. Of all my years, 3 of them were filled with love form someone else (Not including family) I'd like to change that. . .
Yea, I know you can read some of them.
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